Living with anxiety every day has proved to be one of life’s biggest challenges. I don’t know how many times I’ve thought to myself, “where would I be now if I didn’t have anxiety?” Then I would always answer myself with, “girrrrrrl, it doesn’t freaking matter because you do have anxiety and you have to find ways to live with it.” It’s so easy to say when you’re having a conversation with yourself, right?
Anyways, the biggest setback for me on a daily basis is when someone asks me to do something that is new or that I don’t normally do. Oh boy! That anxious side of me, we’ll call her Lady Anxious for the fun of it, just starts having a field day.
“You’re supposed to do what?”
“Are you capable of such things?”
“What if you mess up?”
“Everyone is probably going to be staring at you, judging you, and definitely mocking you.”
“You should probably start freaking out now.”
Every. Single. Day. I immediately want to say no, but I always end up saying sure... With the job that I have right now, I am required to do many different things that people ask of me and there are usually minimal instructions that come with them. Can you imagine? Luckily, with Lady Anxious whispering sweet nothings in my ear, I have learned to ask questions and to be very direct. Unfortunately, I have to have these tasks be as close to perfect as I can get them. If I don’t ask questions or if I can’t get it right, I end up receding into the darkest parts of my mind and shut down. Lady Anxious possesses my being and it takes me longer to do the task, I end up overthinking it, I refuse to believe that I can do it, and I just start spiraling. I literally have to force myself to forget about the task for a little bit, go do something else, get new insight, but I always have to leave the area. When I get back? The task usually ends up being easily accomplished. It makes me mad, annoyed, and embarrassed. I try to pinpoint the moment that caused me to be overcome with an epic amount of anxiety in such a short time but I don’t even realize that Lady Anxious is choking me until it’s too late and the mess has already been made.
I know I can do these things and I know that I am smart enough to accomplish almost anything, but Lady Anxious always seems to be stalking my shadow, waiting for the opportunity to pounce. It’s exhausting. It holds me back from doing new things and to finish things in a timely manner. I’m often angry with myself or have this feeling of guilt and embarrassment plaguing me.
I get through it though. I realize that when someone asks me to do something, it gives me the opportunity to learn something new or to prove to myself that I can do it. I ask questions, repeatedly if I have to, but I ask them. I remove myself from the anxiety inducing situation. It’s not always easy but it’s getting better. I hope so anyways. If you are afraid to be asked to do something, I can’t give you any advice on how to combat the anxiety that goes with it. You can certainly try the things that I do or what you read online elsewhere (that used to be me) but you have to figure out what works best for you and no one else can do that for you. They can help you along the way but they can’t give you an easy fix. I wish they could, oh how I wish someone could.
